I don't really know what I'm doing on here, blogging. I'm just doing it. Its going to be messy. I'm probably going to get myself in trouble. I'm going to have a vulnerability hangover the next day (unless no one reads this, then, phew!) I don't read other people's blogs... not because I don't want to, but I don't seem to remember to log in and read them. My sister and cousins have fabulous blogs that regularly inspire and wow me, yet I don't have time to read them. Nor do I really have time to blog.

Yet, I am. And I need to. I'm thinking its time to swap all those moments I've been eating up doing online dating, with blogging instead. Because I've learned an enormous amount about myself and my life in the last few years, and its time I start talking about it.

Last week, in random smalltalk, I asked a collegue what he was up to for Spring Break. He and the wife are taking the kids skiing at Big White. He asked me what I was up to. I said, "A root canal, divorce court, a first date, autism screening for my son, and work in between all that, because I don't get Spring Break off." And then I laughed. And yes, it was a bit of a maniacal laugh. But I had to laugh because despite the absurd catastrophe it appears my life has become on the surface, it is deeper, richer, and more joyful than I could have ever imagined. And I still want to vomit in exhaustion around 4:45pm every day. (So if I don't look you in the eye and appear distracted, that's why). But I'm up to my eyeballs in life and loving it.

How could that be? Everything my life was supposed to be, is in ruins. And yet it is perfect. I married the wrong man. I lost all hope of financial solvency. I had a baby and then immediately got separated (who does that???). I got a mild anxiety disorder. Despite my best efforts to do everything known to avoid autism, my child is still autism spectrum. And I was fighting it before he was even born. Why? God gives mothers instinct.

Fortunately God also gives us instinct for where he is acting and moving, releasing and growing. And while I do pray that God heals my son's autism spectrum disorder, I KNOW, at a cellular level, that the autism is there for a purpose. And that purpose is healing, though I do not know how that will take place. That's part of the awesome mystery of God.

So ya, none of this turned out like it was supposed to AND the life I've got is FREAKIN AWESOME (my Pastor, Mike doesn't like substitute F words like Freakin,... no unwholesome language... so sorry Mike, and anyone else who is offended. But in this case, its a great descriptor.. 'Very' wasn't adequate.)

And now I know that the 'wrong' man, financial ruin, anxiety, and everything and anything to do with my son are all wonderful gifts that my Creator has given ME, because it was right for ME, and how the Creator wants to express himself in me and through me.

Dr. Brene Brown talks about the courage to feel our feelings as 'owning our story.' And its a fantastic story  that I'm ready to share moments of with you! Dr. Rick Hanson (not the Man In Motion) talks about 'taking in the good' because all these incredible moments pass us by and we miss them because we're too upset that our kid is way behind someone else's kid on Facebook, or the fact that I no longer own my home (shame!) or I no longer have a man standing by my side (MORE shame!).

But you know what the really incredible moments are? Feeling the sunlight on my face while drinking my morning coffee (ok that's rare in Vancouver, but that's why its incredible!). Feeling my son's pudgy, warm hand in mine as he sprints 10 meters, then hangs off me like he can't walk another step, then sprints another 10 meters. The rhythm of his barefoot steps on the hardwood floors. The sound of his giggle. His morning cuddles. His cheeks! The new leaves that are budding. The smell of the air after the rain. The sound of a babbling brook. Grandma Audrey's apple pie. The fog hanging in the trees. Really, almost everything is a miracle, but we get so wrapped up in some projected version of what we think our lives are supposed to be like, we miss life itself.

So take a look around... tell me the everyday miracle you're experiencing!