Day 30: Sleep (The journey toward healing)

Several weeks ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who is also a mental health therapist. This person told me about when they had to take a medical leave because they had so many clients that were suicidal, that they couldn't keep their own head above water. The advice this person gave me is that, "when you do get a chance to rest, you need to go really hard at it. All that stuff that you teach your clients... you need to do all of that and do it intensely."

So this week was the third week of my vacation, and the first week where I haven't been away somewhere, and still had childcare for my non-verbal ASD child. I haven't been able to turn off completely because I still have to be a mom to my special needs child. I still have to take him to his autism intervention appointments 3 times a week. But I have been attacking nutrition, physical restoration, and rest with everything I have. (kind of an oxymoron: attacking rest).

The rest has, by far, been the most challenging. My adrenalin surges are my biggest problem as my adrenalin has been keeping me going for so very long (like being in newborn mommy mode for over 5 years... with a non-cooperative newborn). Yesterday was the perfect example of that. My surging adrenalin (same as a panic attack) kept me up until 11pm. Why was it surging? Because almost every time I have been ready to go to sleep in the last 5 years, I wasn't able to because there was still something critical to be done, or an emergency to tend to, so adrenalin helped me keep going. Now it thinks it needs to kick in every time I get tired because that's what its been doing for me for so long. (And since I am tired most of the time, the adrenalin surges most of the time).

...so I couldn't sleep until after 11pm due to adrenalin. I finally fell asleep sometime before midnight. Then my ASD son had a typical bout of night waking from 1am - 4am, and I had to be up with him to prevent him from kicking the walls or floors and disturbing our neighbours. It also turned out he needed some intense sensory input, so I also had to bear-hug him, squeeze him, kiss him, and give him leg compressions, which are sort of like massage. I'm still super grateful I have an ASD kid that loves being hugged and kissed. And its my favorite thing to do as his mom. But when I've only had an hour of sleep, and I've been squeezing/kissing for an hour, it wears on a person.

Somewhere around 4am I finally got to sleep. Then up at 7am to get my son to his autism intervention appointment for 9.

We were back home around lunch, the babysitter came over, and I headed straight for bed, and fell into a very deep sleep for two hours. When I woke I felt like I was coming out of a coma. Most days adrenalin wakes me. Not today. And wow, was it ever hard to come back to consciousness and functionality. It took me a long time to figure out what day and time it was. I was convinced I had slept for a couple of days.

When I was at family camp last week I got in a 1 hour nap one day there, as well. Both that day and today I feel like I can grasp a small handful of the person I really am again, beyond mommy-robot mode. And that is a giant leap forward in my journey toward healing.

Day 16: The Journey Toward Healing. Loneliness

Today is the last day of my vacation. I still have a few weeks left off work, but today is the last day of the vacation I did just for me, that included a nanny so that I can actually let go and rest.

I know my vacation is an incredible success because a couple of times the nanny came to me with a routine issue with my autistic son, and my first thought was, "Okay. What am I supposed to do about it?" And then I remembered that I still have to make him dinner. Or I still have to change his poopy diaper (by choice: I don't feel like anyone else should have to change my 4 year old's soiled diapers.) And a couple of times when the nanny was off I actually forgot I had to watch my son (but remembered before anything disastrous happened). That shows me I did, indeed, turn off.

This afternoon I walked along the beach by our cottage, alone, for a little reflection, and a little good-bye, and I could feel that significant healing had already occurred even in the shortness of this week.

The healing that I felt was that a little of the overwhelming loneliness that I am relentlessly consumed by, had faded quite a bit. Most single parents feel some elements of loneliness, I am sure. I would also venture to say that married parents feel loneliness too. But when my non-verbal, special needs child has been sick most of the time since February, and I was sick for half of that, and every day has been a vicious struggle to survive, and I barely have a moment to text those closest to me, never mind have conversations and feel heard, I start to feel like I am fading. I start to feel like no one sees me. I start to feel like I am not even me anymore. And I don't allow myself to be loved because I am too busy fighting off fear.

A friend of mine, who is also a single parent, but with a typically developed son, the same age as mine, came along on this vacation. We've done a few things together with our sons, but not everything. Her presence has been a big factor in healing some of my loneliness.

 My nanny is also a genius at engaging my son and his friend, and it feels wonderful to me to have another adult to share special moments with as my son develops. That's also a big factor in the development of my loneliness: having no one to share my son's victories and challenges with.

But the real key in healing my loneliness this week has simply been re-connecting with me. Having several hours every day to do what I like to do. This week it was reading, writing, painting, walking, eating, and shopping. It's also been about having time to take in God's love/presence all around me, and in this place, its obvious as Technicolor.

In this place I am aware that I am deeply loved by God around me, and God in me.

At the beginning of this week I read my daily meditation by Richard Rohr. He quoted an ancient saying of perennial wisdom which says "You are that which you seek." I knew then that I was seeking love, and I knew all I had to do this week was absorb it.

So that was 5 days out of 365. The trick will be re-connecting to this place of Love-in-me a little more regularly throughout the year.