Today I am dining out alone.
I haven't done this for well over a decade. And I have to say, it is lovely. Of course I am sitting on a lovely terrace, Labour Day weekend in Harrison Hot Springs, BC.
I recently read somewhere, that unless you're okay with dining alone, or going to see a movie by yourself, you're probably not truly comfortable with yourself... You haven't fully accepted who you are.
I think that's probably true because why WOULDN'T you be okay with dining by yourself?.... Because mose of us are afraid of being judged... criticized... evaluated and found to have come up short.
Before I was married I used to be paranoid about being judge for my singleness. Ithought everyone was talking about me under thier breath (because I wasn't worthy somehow). Then I talked to a mom who felt the same way, except she felt like people were constantly jduging her because she was a stereotypical mom of two pre-schoolers who struggled to keep up with the mythical, polished, Supermom image. That's when I realized that we all feel judged all the time, no matter where we are in life.
Just this year I discovered WHY.
Its because we are constantly judging ourselves, and our own fears. And when we judge other people, we're actually just projecting our own fears on others. It has almost nothing to do with them, and its entirely about us.
I am now amused when I hear about others around me feeling judged because whoever is judging them is clearly self critical of a related issue. They are allowing their true fears to be seen. Their criticism is just about their fear, and probably related to a fear of rejection. It has nothing to do with how the other lives their life.
By the same token, when the personon the receiving end of the criticism flips out over the criticism, it simply reflects that they beat themselves up over a fear that they might be what they are jedge for.... Or at the most basic level, what they fear (once again related to fear of rejection). It is not a picture of the reality of who and what they are in that moment.
Back to dining alone...
the terrace I sit at is an excellent spot to literrally look down and people watch, which to some extent is related to jedging others. I find it intruiging that I notice only those who visually resemble what I might judge myself for. Women who are 50 and trying to look 20. Couple with large age gaps. Overweight or frumpily dressed women. How a large chested woman wears her assets. Extremely polished people make me feel the most judged, and hence I judge them the most. All these reflect my fears and have nothing to do with the individuals I observe.
If you've ever suffered from feeling judged, its a wonderful to arrive at a place where you finally understand what this is all about.
A dear but distant friend contacted me today to tell me that she has entered the process of divorce. I am loaning her all the courage I can. She comes from a similar background as I do where divorce really wasn't an option. Marriage is forever. I know this has put her on an unwanted journey. And dammit, it hurts.
I re-read a favorite quote from Fr. Richard Rohr this wee, and its truth resonates deeply in me, for my journey, and for my friend's journey. the quote is from the book "Falling Upward", and of course I can't find the exactquote now, but here is the essence of it from my memory:
We must allow our pain to transform us by seeing God in our pain. When we don't allow our pain to transform us, we transmit it instead.
