Turns out I am not alone in that feeling.
I am writing this blog entry in my art therapy journal from my online Brene Brown art therapy course. (We'll get back to that in a second.) I am writing in my journal at the beach, about 100 metres away from where my non-verbal 5 year old ASD son is playing with his dad... and his 2 year old half- brother, and his dad's second wife (who is inappropriate because of her original relationship to me and my son's dad; but she and my son's dad have a child together now so it ain't going away, and its not my story to tell online). At this very moment, rejection is screaming in my ear and jumping up and down on top of my head. But this rejection has been thrust in my face long enough, that while I feel the constant stab, I have become accepting of the pain. It adds a few clouds to the day, but it no longer ruins it. I only add this because it plays into the vulnerability of what I'm writing about at the moment.
Back to the Brene Brown art therapy course... I am taking it a second time because I was invited to be part of a local group of people doing the course for the first time. Something nagging deep inside me told me I should do the course a second time because there was probably something I missed the first time. The first sections of the course are about Connection and Courage. I focused mostly on Courage my first time through because that's what I needed at the time.
"We get courage by couraging," Brene says, and whether I wanted to practice courage or not in 2013, (NOT was the case) I had to. And I did develop a lot more courage (though I still need to consume large doses of it every day, so I guess that means I'm still amassing it?)
Three years after the first time I read Brene's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection", the theme that is emerging for me is Connection, which my heart's knowing grin tells me that I quite purposely glossed over these pieces the first time I did this course. I just didn't have capacity to look at this needy part of my life the first time. But I guess I did so well with the courage piece that I now have courage to look at my difficulty with Connection.
Like the research subjects Brene refers to in her 2010 TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability", I can't really tell you much about connection, but I can tell you a whole lot about rejection. And as I bring up this topic with friends who aren't necessarily intimate friends, but whom I feel free to speak deeply with, I hear much rejection from them too. Rejection (or lack of inclusion) from syblings, parents, colleagues, friends, and lovers. Then there's those who are identified as a minority, for whatever reason, who are also not included by society at large.
I have to wonder why so many of us who are confident and capable and loving and loveable LACK close intimate relationships of the friendship variety, (community?) causing us to feel so alone. Brene would probably say its because we're not being vulnerable enough, with ourselves, with our loved ones, with our God.
I would agree. But some of us are working on being vulnerable and are doing really well at it, even though it hurts. Many of my colleagues and acquaintances are clinical therapists, and they know how to achieve relational intimacy and they are doing they're best at it, but they also say they are lacking close friends.
Why are so many of us lacking close friendships then?
Why do I hear and see so many people saying,
"I have lots and lots of acquaintances, but I don't really have any friends."
In my city, I think the astronomical cost of living is taking its toll on people's ability to nurture the main thing that gives us meaning in life: human connection. That's a big factor. But that's not the only factor. I'd bet we'd find just as many people in affordable cities who are surrounded by acquaintances and still feel lonely.
I think it might have more to do with the way western societies are all about the individual pursuit of happiness, whereas eastern cultures tend to be more about the wellness of the whole group... the family unit, or even the community. While it might seem like a good thing for an individual to succeed and actualize their potential, the problem that emerges is that when a person fails to actualize, all the failure falls on that one person.[Credit: I'm pretty sure I got this individual vs group mentality stuff either from Richard Rohr, Dacher Keltner, or both.] When group/family wellness is the goal, then when people fail together, they are still together. Its not as devastating... because "connection is the reason that we are here"... so you haven't lost everything. You still have the connection. (Unless you are a character in Game of Thrones, then if the group fails, you all die!)
Which brings me back to my lack of connection.
I would say I am quite good at connection, when its a fairly safe bet; like I am awesomely connected with my son. But his autism prevents him from socially reciprocating. (He is full of hugs and cuddles and tickles and wrestling, but he can't share memories with me, or celebrate holidays, discuss things, etc.)
I am great at connecting with colleagues at work who also want to be connected, but I don't belong in any identified groups, so I get left out a lot.
I am disconnected from anyone I need to be connected to, but with whom it is inconvenient to be connected to. Autism throws a giant wrench into connectivity because a few autism outburst from the past have basically kyboshed any future connections because people are still traumatized from the previous ones. The result is my son and I are on our own. And it doesn't feel good. I think we need to belong to somebody or something.
I felt this lack of belonging for my son and I already last year. I attempted to fix it by 'building a team' around my son, in terms of support and respite people. I asked about 8 trusted families about being part of our team. They all considered it heavily, and all of them (many with tears) said they're just too busy with sports/church/health issues, etc. More rejection... for really good reasons, but still rejection.
I want to get real about this Connection thing. Because Brene is right. Connection is everything.
- I really like the beach.
- I really like the beach by myself.
- But after 10 times at the beach by myself, it would mean so much more to share it with
someone (friend or otherwise).
Right or wrong, I have given up on people I should be connected with. I am pondering that maybe the way for me to achieve real connection in an on-going way might be more about building my family than building-in play dates. There are others out there who don't even have 1 person they belong to. So maybe we can belong together.
Ironically (or probably not if you're a shame researcher like Brene Brown) it will take a lot of courage if I do proceed with building my family. It's unknown. It's unpredictable. It's forever. So it's scary. But it will also take a lot of courage to continue to not-belong as we currently sit.
