The Struggle to Take In the Good

I experienced a tough week of intense challenges the past 7 days… or really, the past 2 months… or years… But the challenges this week generally had very good outcomes. The biggest challenge was that I bought a brand new car for my son and I, that will be safe and reliable and compliment our little family’s lifestyle. It was not a simple process of buying a car as there were some issues from my recent past that complicated things that I will not delve into here.

I have to admit, my new car also meets my ego’s needs… NOT a mini-van (though it has been called a micro-van), and NOT a sedan. (Also not a Jeep L. But I can’t afford to keep a Jeep these days). But the height of a small truck. In black, because my ego tells me that black is cooler than all the other colours.

I used to call my old civic Darth… and I think this one will be called Darth II…

“…Luke… I am your father…”

Through convoluted circumstances with my ex-husband, I am also getting a beautiful new couch, and he is getting our marital couch that is comfy, but thoroughly stained from our son’s sippy cup spillage.

And then I lost my android phone just after I bought the new couch. I’m mostly upset about that because there were some irreplaceable pictures on there… but we’re a snap-happy society anyway. (do I really need to be taking pictures of my son EVERY day?) My cranial memory card still holds more/better pictures than a phone.

When I put my son to bed tonight he was happy, slightly chatty (babbling), and overwhelmingly adorable. He likes to fall asleep with me lying beside him (in his toddler bed), with his cheek pressed up against mine. It reminded me that the loss of my phone is just the loss of my phone… I am blessed to have a back-up phone in my business cell. The reason why this week felt so stressful is because of fear and change… even though the change is for the better. Uncertainty was exacerbated as I calculated some risks, but there was no more uncertainty than there is any other day. Its just that when I try to ‘do the right thing’… the ‘right thing’ attempting to foresee any error, I get pole-vaulted into anxiety. And as previously quoted, Dr. Kristin Neff says anxiety is created by worrying (ruminating) in the future, while depression is ruminating in the past.

One of the antidotes to anxiety is gratitude. Another is breathing. Another is to practice self-compassion, of which gratitude is part of.

I’ve spoken with a few colleagues this week about how it takes some serious cajones to ‘take in the good’, especially after one has taken in a lot of the bad. The good almost feels scarier because you’ve gotten so used to the bad. I’ve seen this phenomenon in so many of the kids I work with. It didn’t used to make sense to me. It makes sense to me now. I think part of the problem is that our world is going so ridiculously fast that our spirit just doesn’t have TIME to take in the good.

Need

     To

          Slow

               Down.

Dwell

in

my body.

Experience.

Love.