After the Storm

It all started with a murder back in September... well really it started with a reckless decision I made about a decade ago... so let's say it flared up again with a murder back in September. One that took place about 100 feet from my front door.

Emotional grief and chaos had beaten me up pretty good back in March and April. My divorce became final in the same time period that my son got diagnosed with autism. And shortly thereafter I had to take a stress leave from work because I just couldn't keep up with everything.

I needed some space to breathe.

Some time to figure out which way was up again.

 

The real outcome of my leave, however, was that I discovered that I am comfortably busy

 just being the stay-at-home mom of a 3 year old with autism.

I can keep up with fitness, spirituality, and a social life if I don't also have a full time job
 (but I have to pay the bills).

But September brought my return to work, and it only took a few weeks for a storm to start brewing, and a looooong drawn-out storm it was.

Here is a brief storm summary (in addition to the regular challenges of single parenting a 3 year old with autism).

• September 19 - murder across the street. Didn't sleep well for a few nights.
• First week of October - my son's third birthday, which happens to fall on one of the biggest/busiest days of the year at work. I am beyond exhausted by the weekend. (And his birthday party was still awesome! Camping theme. Here is the cake:)

• Early October - I realize I have some alarming symptoms that could indicate cancer. I am stressed every moment of every day with the possible ramifications. Since it takes weeks to get appointments with my family doctor and get other information, I live with intense fear every day.
• Mid October, my symptoms get serious enough one night, I wonder if they are life threatening and spend the night in the emergency ward. Though my symptoms appear scary, they are not life threatening, and I have just had a panic attack.
• Last week of October:
• I receive some life-altering news about my ex and his life, but the news doesn't come from my ex. I realize I have not been receiving all the information about the activities of my non-verbal 3 year old when he is with his dad. I become extremely concerned about the safety of my son.
• I get the test results back from my concerning symptoms. Turns out its not cancer. Not life-threatening. Relatively easy to remedy I can exhale.
• I get a phonecall from a housing co-operative that I had applied to back in July. They want me to come in for an interview immediately. Within 48 hours I have an interview, am offered a dream 2 bedroom townhouse that will be the family home my son grows up in, in a beautiful, safe neighborhood, close to my work, that I would never be able to otherwise afford. I accept the offer for the townhouse and give my 1 month notice to my landlords. We are moving. To our dream house.
• First week of November:
•  I have to make a very difficult decision and am engulfed by fear about how my ex will respond to my decision. I consult with security experts. I inform my ex and he responds peaceably. Once again, some sleepless nights.
• I also start packing up my home.
• Second week of November:
• My ex's response flares up. We have to arrange an immediate mediation.
• My son's autism worker has to quit. I am expected to advocate for her, and I want to, but I can't with ex issues, moving, recent health issues, and my full time job. Its amazing that I can even make it to work in the morning.
• My ex and I make a holding pattern plan that will stabilize things in the short term.
• Third week of November:
• I receive more jaw dropping / face-slapping / gut kicking news from my ex.
• I get the keys to my new place with the condition that I accept it as is (dirty, and in need of painting and some repairs).
• I drop a huge chunk of change on some new appliances, paint, and labour.
• My son gets new autism workers (Behavioural Interventionists). I feel bad that I don't even know who these people are, but right now I just don't have time.
• I am fearful there is too much change going on for my son. I cry at the thought of him not understanding that we are moving to a new home. His current home (a basement suite) is the only home he's ever known. And he loves his home.
• My son comes down with a cold.
• Its one of my busiest times of year at work.
• Last week of November:
• Every spare moment I can find is spent cleaning and painting the new townhouse, to make it as comfortable and familiar as possible the day my son and I move in.
• Every other moment is spent packing and cleaning the old place.
• My son still has a cold and doesn't sleep well the whole week (so neither do I).
• Last day of November: Moving Day. 2 hours of sleep. Barely ate anything. My son was happy to see objects that he knew, but still tried to 'go home' to the old place. He sleeps in my arms that night, clutching closely to me. I think we were actually clutching onto each other.
• First week of December
• within 24 hours, my son figures out this is our new home. He is happy.
• my son gets pinkeye. He is in a fair bit of pain.
• unpacking takes a long time.
• Second week of December
• my son's cold is still going and I have been up with him numerous nights with very scary coughing fits (That's the part I hate the most about single parenting because I get really scared). I take him in to the clinic and discover he has an ear infection AND bronchitis.
• trying to finish up painting. Unpacking.
• my ex forces me into a surprise situation that is extremely uncomfortable. Takes me a day or two to emotionally recover.
• Third week of December
• Christmas shop? Christmas bake? Paint? Clean?
• sort out inappropriate surprise situation with ex
• my son recovers with the help of antibiotics
• Fourth week of December
• extremely awkward and dreaded Christmas situations with the ex come to pass. I survive. I am not a saint, and I didn't want to be a saint. But I am happy with who I am and what I put forward. Despite it all, I have a good Christmas.
• January - back to work, bills, and monitoring changes with my son's therapy.
• I get out to explore some of the trails and shops close to my beautiful new townhouse.

And with the arrival of the New Year, it seems that particular storm has passed by. Peace and calm have arrived (for at least today), and I am taking it all in. I am learning to embrace it all. In my daily meditations from Fr. Richard Rohr this week, I read that to love God is to love everything, for God is in everything. I know I'm definitely not "there" yet (I don't love everything), but maybe I'm leaning in that direction? Maybe I'm getting better at acceptance?

A few friends have commented on a difference they've seen in my spirit since we moved. There's a peace there. I sense it. And I don't know particularly what it is, except to say that its LOVE. Love from God. Love from family and friends. Love from my son. Love from the incredible nature that surrounds our new home.

 Love lives here.

This is my favorite song these days.
The general gist indicates a romantic love, but could certainly be interpreted into love of life.
And miraculously, that's where I emerge from the storm - in love with life and my son, still struggling most days, and glorying in the messiness of it all.

Sober - Little Big Town