Autism Lives Here

Autism lives here.

So does love.

Peace.

Contentment.

Exhaustion.

Laughter.

And an endless list of other parts of life.

Love dominates, and as long as thats still happening, I’ll make it through.

My two year old son was officially diagnosed with autism this week. It was an expected diagnosis. In fact, I would have been horrified if they hadn’t arrived at that diagnosis because there really isn’t any other explanation for his lack of connection with the outside world (outside the world of his head, that is).

But it was still very, very hard to hear.

The good news is I’m already past blaming myself. I did a little of that just after Christmas when I realized I needed to stop rationalizing his autistic behaviours, and hurry up and get him diagnosed so we could start treatment.

And even now, four months after I accepted the probable truth, it is still hard to absorb. There is definitely a grieving process involved. Top that up with the fact that we (my son and I) never sleep normally because he doesn’t sleep through the night, and then throw in a recent bout of croup, AND a car that decides to crap out the same week, and all I can tell you is that I’m just about done, y’all!

Practicing LOTS and LOTS of GRATITUDE and SELF-COMPASSION.

One of the key principles to LIVING that I’ve learned this year is to have the courage to feel my feelings. Some people call this Acceptance. Brene Brown calls is ‘owning your story’. The beauty of having the courage to feel your feelings is that things get resolved a lot easier and faster that way, and don’t take such a toll on the rest of your health.

This morning I was practicing this exact concept while doing a little yoga program I recorded (Nameste yoga). They did this ‘move’ (I’m no yogi, so I have no better word for this) that they called Earth Rain. The move started with ‘praying hands’ over the heart, then moving the hands up along the center of the body, and when the hands got to the eyes, the palms faced the eyes, as though covering them, and then continued up past the head, fully extended to the sky. At first I was just following the video, but every time my palms passed my eyes and released to the sky, I had this urge to sob. So I let the sobs escape, because man-oh-man, do I ever need a good sob!

I kept repeating this move over and again, even though they had continued on in the video, because it was spiritually releasing something in me… something for which there are no words, and releasing it back to my Creator. It was a profoundly spiritual experience for me; an amazing transference of a spiritual grief that was locked in the physiology of my body, that through physical movement, my body was able to release back into spiritual energy to my Creator once again.

There’s this verse in the Bible that says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)  I’ve heard that verse quoted dozens, if not hundreds of times. Today I lived it in a totally different way. I think the ‘humbling yourself’ isn’t so much about tucking your cocky attitude in your pocket, as it is about gratefully accepting what God has brought us in life (God comes to you disguised as your life: see previous post) under his mighty hand, so that he can truly allow us to shine in life, in all that we are; in all He made us to be. And, WOW, I was ‘lifted up’

I have had equally significant worship experiences before, usually involving music, but I have not experienced such stark, powerful transfer between body and spirit before. I was almost observing myself doing it, and I just had to keep repeating the move again and again and allow my body to release the spiritual trauma back and back and back to my Creator’s mighty hand until the need to do so had subsided.

And once again, this stuff totally blows my mind! Perfect symbiosis between body and spirit, in all the mystery it was created to function in.

Here's the trailer for the video I was watching.... and in case you're wondering, I can not actually do the "Riding the Wind" move. ROTFLMAO. (They don't show the Earth Rain move here). (Also, btw, if you have body image issues, you shouldn't watch this. These girls will either make you want to slit your wrists, or grab a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Fortunately I've been able to get past their holocaustic physiques and get into the nature and flow of this series.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTVrCROPtIQ

This post was supposed to be about autism. Frankly, I’m still taking that all in. I don’t know what to say about it. I’m still thankful for all the things I am learning and the healing that its bringing, but I’m a little resentful that other people don’t understand it, or don’t understand how good they have it that their child doesn’t have these difficulties. And then I realize that I was one of the ‘other people’ over a year ago… never judging those families where autism exists… but just not taking the time to understand.

… but that’s for another post!