Day 9: Muddling in the journey toward healing

Maybe not quite lost, but I definitely feel like I am going in circles. I was able to start resting on Day 1 (July 1) because it was a holiday in which I had nothing planned, I had some respite from my son that day, and my son (non-verbal 4 year old) finally got better after having a low grade fever and other unknown symptoms for the last two weeks.

(Us on one of WAY TOO MANY sick days this year)

About Day 4 of my journey toward healing, I came down with a swollen stinging sore throat, probably the same virus my son had. This is the nastiest, longest sore throat and ears I have had in a very long time. From what we know from 3 doctors visits with my son, its a viral ear/throat infection. I just pray its what he had because if he is still going to get what I have now, I have a hellish couple of weeks ahead of me.

So needless to say, rest is difficult when you feel like crap. In fact I've heard a number of doctors say that if your body is in pain (physical or emotional) it makes it pretty difficult for it to heal itself. So part of me kind of feels like I'm back to square one again... or just waiting for this virus to pass so I can approach square one again.

And this is pretty much the story of my life as a single parent of a high/special needs child, trying to take care of myself.

The one thing that has caught my attention this week, is a weekly JOT (Just One Thing) I get from Dr. Rick Hanson (not the Man in Motion), one of the world's leading experts in clinical mindfulness and positive psychology. It was a post called Get Out Of The War. As the title suggests, it was about removing yourself from toxic situations, toxic thoughts, or any battles that you lose energy to, or battles that cause you (unnecessary) pain.

So while I am not resting, I am paying attention to the thoughts and situations where I am losing my peace of mind. The battle with my son's autism is the obvious one. 'The suffering is in the resistance' is one of my current mantras, so several times I have tried to let go wherever I was finding resistance to my son's autism, but this is a laughable effort at best. Autism is a ruthless, relentless, stalking predator, particularly when there is only one caregiver, and this morning was a perfect example of how futile 'letting go of resistance' is. The ride to the place where my son receives autism intervention is about 15 minutes long. 5 minutes into the ride my son figured out where we were going, and he screamed bloody-hell/someone-is-murdering-me/my-eardrums-are-bleeding for the duration of the trip. That's a battle I have ZERO control over.

The one battle I have let go of is the tension my heart feels at never achieving the house I really want to have. I still love my house but I've had to come to terms with the fact that my living room is my son's play room, complete with daily destruction. It will never be my place to let go. It will never be a place I can have ready to receive visitors. My kitchen floor will never ever be clean. My son might be the world's messiest eater, intentionally spraying crumbs with total glee, about 5-6 times a day. I have to tell visitors to keep their shoes on because it really might be cleaner outside than in. I let go of the master bedroom as my son has been so sick this last year, and sleeping in my queen bed with me, he has now assumed that is his room and will only sleep in there. I now sleep in his single bed, which I bought brand new for him this past Christmas. Fortunately, I spent the big bucks on it and its really comfortable. Having less room in bed is worth it not to be woken by a knee to the boob, a heel to the nose, or 45 pounds sailing through the air landing on my sleeping body.

And I am still trying to think of other ways to get out of other wars I don't need to be expending energy into.

This week's JOT from Rick Hanson talked about finding peace. He referred to four levels of finding peace. I remember the last one was about connecting to the Something Greater in life, which I already am. But the first one is probably the easiest for me to implement, and might be providing me a level of rest: it was about celebrating and dwelling on good accomplishments you have achieved. I can do that. And have done that.

 I feel proud of the family I have built with just my son and I.

I feel like I am a good mother most of the time.

I feel like I have weathered some pretty crazy shit and come out the other end wiser, stronger, and even more at peace.

 I feel good that I am able to pay my bills.

 I feel good that I am growing my own veggies in the garden.

 

I feel good about the community I found to raise my son in.

I feel good that I have increased my veggie intake by 90% and decreased my sugar intake by 95%.

I feel good that I take my son out to experience nature as much as I possibly can.

And I could probably keep going with a long list of simple thing... things that some might not consider accomplishments, but these things do give me a sense of peace. And in that peace, there is some rest.